Losing Myself

This post is going to be very personal, very deep, and very emotionally charged. If you do not understand or do not agree with what I have to say...please feel free to find another blog to read. I share this with caution, but share it in hopes that someone out there will feel validated for their feelings, that someone out there will need to know that at least I understand...

I feel like I have been to hell and back.
It has not been easy.
I have had many lows in my journey with infertility.
Many, many lows.
But in the past month, I have experienced one of the scariest lows that I have ever been through.

I blame it on the Clomid because that is the only thing that has changed.

I remember when I first started Clomid in November of 2007.
I was excited, thrilled, anxious, hopeful.
I had bad side effects in the 7 months that I first took Clomid.
I gained 20 pounds, I was emotionally unstable, I was sick to my stomach while I took it, it wasn't a walk in the park.
But, I stayed hopeful.
Completely hopeful.

The side effects didn't distract from the incredibly strong desire to be a mom.

When I had the miscarriage I immediately thought that I would start Clomid again as soon as possible.
But as the months that I was required to wait passed, I realized that I wasn't ready emotionally.
My husband and I prayed about it and though we wanted more than anything to be parents, we knew that I needed a break.
I needed to be happy with me.
We needed to be happy with ourselves and our lives whether or not we had children.
We felt very strongly that there were other things that the Lord needed from us.

I have seem glimpses of those things.
The past two months specifically have provided me with some of the most sacred and touching moments that I think are possible as a teacher.

But the intense desire for children has never gone away.
We spent some time this summer thinking that we maybe were meant to adopt.
I began to acquire an intense fear of Clomid that I had never experienced.
Anxious, panic, sickening fear.
I felt silly for feeling that way.
It's just two little pills.

After prayers, a trip to the temple, and doctors visits, we decided to try fertility again.
I have tried to bargain with Heavenly Father (I do this often...that's how I am in real life, I assume that he wouldn't expect anything different from me).
I've asked him to help me know if fertility is right for me or if adoption is right for us.
I just want to know.

Well I began to get slightly excited about starting Clomid, but nothing like what I had experienced the first go round.
I was still scared to death.
I couldn't explain it.
I was just scared.

When the time finally came to start Clomid again I was completely emotionally detached.

And then it started.

No hope.
No happiness.
No joy.
Nothing but a sick sick sick feeling of fear.
Fear and pain.

I have never in my life felt the way that I have felt in the past few weeks.
I have gone through the motions of life with very rare, very small, almost non-existent glimpses of any sense of meaning in any of it.
I have felt nothing.
And it has scared me to death.

The nothingness was replaced this past week with panic.
I haven't been able to think straight.
Everything has seemed too hard to handle.
My job, my school work, my house work, cooking, cleaning, getting out of bed in the morning...all of it was meant with panic, even the thought of any of it caused intense panic.

I feel like I have lost myself.
And it is not a feeling that I am willing to live with.

Thankfully I have an incredible husband who helps me see from the deepest depths of despair that those feeling are not me.
That this is not me.

It kills me.
I want more than anything to be a mother.
I would give anything.
I have said that millions of times.

But, I can't do it.
I cannot lose myself.
I cannot become a shell of person without any feelings but panic and fear.
This is not the solution to being a parent.
This is not what my Father in Heaven wants me to become.
I know it.

It is so hard to admit weakness.
It is so hard.
It hurts me.
I feel like I owe it to my future children to do everything that I can to bring them here.
But what is the point if they come to a mother who has lost herself in the battle of infertility?
It feels like I should be able to have courage, be able to rely on the Lord and be ok.

It has taken a lot to step back and realize that I am relying on the Lord.
I am having faith and trusting in him to help me know what I can handle.
To help me know what he expects of me.

It is so hard when the answer is wait.
I am starting to think that the Lord had to speak to me in such a huge massive way like the pain and emotions that I have felt in the past week to realize that this is not the time.
It is hard to realize that two little pills are capable of so much damage.
Damage that I am not expected to undergo.

This is a part of the roller coaster that I wasn't ready for.
This has been tough.

But when I completely lost it on Saturday night and laid on my bed and sobbed and sobbed, I realized that it is important that I do not lose me.
That I do not forget that not being in control of my fertility does not mean that I have to not be in control of happiness.

It is so hard to not just be stubborn like I normally am.
It's so hard to not just say, "Screw the emotions, I'm going to keep taking this Clomid and get a baby like I want"
It's hard to accept.
It's hard to not fight back for what I want.
It's hard to not try to force my timing to be reality.
It's hard to trust in the Lord.
It's hard to trust that He will protect me.
That He will let me see His timing.
That He will make me whole.

I am not taking Clomid this month.
Yes, there is a very very slight possibility that I could be pregnant right now and not need the stupid Clomid, but I don't believe it to be so. (I've already had two negative pregnancy tests)
Maybe in two months or three or more I will feel ready to tackle this again.
But right now, I am allowing the answer to be wait.

Because I cannot sacrifice myself, my happiness, my hope, my self-value for fertility.
I cannot lose me.

And all I can hope and pray for is that one day when those children come into my world, however they get here, they will be thankful that their momma didn't let anything make her forget or lose who she is.

And again I say...infertility is hard.
Very very very hard.

Hard

That sums up this week.
Hard.
I am having difficulty this week feeling happy or finding hope in anything.
I wish I could just make myself not care about having a child.
Unfortunately I can not succeed at that.

I hate feeling weak.
I hate feeling hopeless.
I hate feeling like I'm stuck in one place and not progressing.
I hate crying every single time I think about it.
I hate feeling so alone.
I hate infertility.

A lot.

We went to dinner with my dear friend and mentor and her husband and two of their grandkids last night.
The grandkids are 2 & 3.
We could have kids almost that age, if my body wasn't stupid.

My husband was in heaven.
He loves kids, and they love them even more.

It was hard for me to watch him play with someone else's kids.
My friend said, "You are a natural father"

I had to look away so no one would see that I was breathing slow and squinting hard so that the tears wouldn't come down my face.

The clomid is having the expected effects on me.
Uncontrollable emotions being a big one.
And feeling completely out of control is another.

I think I used to mostly want kids for me.
But now I want them for my husband just as badly.
I cannot wait until I am finally able to make him a dad.

Our kids are going to be so lucky.
It makes me cry to think about it.
And to think about how badly I want it.

It never gets easier.
Ever.

Losing Balance

I have always been a very balanced person.
I call it a multi-tasker.
I think I was just born good at it.
And I have been a good juggler for as long as I can remember.

Until Infertility happened.

As I thought about what I want to do in my life this year, I continually thought about one word...
Balance.
I have almost forgotten what it means to be balanced, to live a balanced life.

When Steven and I got married we both worked and went to school.
We got stellar grades.
We had no debt.
We went on dates and did a ton of stuff together.
We were well balanced, happy people.

The last time I remember being like that was when we lived in Washington the summer that we celebrated our first anniversary.

Since then I have been an unbalanced mess.
I have felt 5 steps behind everything that I needed to do.
I've had successes and accomplished the things I've needed to accomplish,
but in the most un-balanced way possible.

What happened after we left Washington?

We started fertility testing and treatment.

Infertility literally consumed my life.

Every single thing we did in our lives was in preparation to be parents.
Everything.
And when the desperate, all consuming attempts to get pregnant didn't work...
the emotions that come with infertility controlled us.

Even when we took a 1.5 year break from active fertility treatment,
it consumed us.

I have not escaped it.
I have yet to figure out how to allow infertility to be a part of the balancing act that used to be my life.
When I'm not focusing on fertility, I'm focusing on filling my life with things that will distract me from the reality of infertility.

It never really works.

I made a plan for myself.
A schedule, a list of goals, a "vision" for my year.
A vision that included a perfectly clean and organized apartment and classroom, a week-ahead lesson plan commitment, an over achiever grad school viewpoint, homemade meals, workouts at the gym, dedicated focus on spirituality and scripture study, no wasted time...success.

And then I got home today.
As I sat down to check my facebook and couldn't avoid the newest addition of "baby-bumps" that friends have posted,
My balancing act fell apart again.

The fast beating heart that is my body's natural reaction to the beginning of tears and the "I wanna puke and then hide in a hole" feeling returned.

And I didn't feel like doing anything.
Nothing.

I know that I am letting infertility control me.
I know it's bad.
I just can't help it.
It is so hard.
I feel like spending 8 hours a day being a positive and happy teacher is just all that I can handle.
I haven't been able to figure out how to balance it all.

And I hate feeling that way.

I just want to have balance back in my life!
I want to do everything that I need to do and feel good about it.
The problem is that no matter how successful I am at being balanced, I still am not accomplishing what I really want.
Balance doesn't change the fact that I am not a mom.

It's a frustrating thing.
I have to remember that my life will never be back to the normal that it once was.
I have a new normal...a normal that includes infertility.
That's hard.

How do you stay balanced?
How do you find the energy and motivation to care?
Am I just crazy? sometimes I really wonder! haha

Oh infertility...how much I would love to get rid of you.
If only that could be a New Years Resolution that I could control!

In other news: I officially start Clomid tomorrow. This will be the 8th time I've taken it...it's just been 1.5 years since the last dose. I'm slightly excited while almost completely emotionally detached while anxious while dreading the roller coaster. The first time I started Clomid was way better...because I was completely nieve.
As of last night our prayers returned to pleads for the Lord's timing to match ours...I cried.

This time of year

Oh Christmas.
Not easy.
Luckily this year I got to be with my family.
I have been able to see a bunch of family, its been nice.

It's just been tough.
This is our 4th Christmas together.
We really truly could have multiple children right now.
If my body wasn't stupid.

I have been a bit emotionally detached.
In some ways its easy to be like that.
But when you don't allow yourself to feel the bad emotions, sometimes you miss out on feeling the good ones too.

I didn't have a total meltdown on Christmas.
I didn't feel bitter and angry that I don't have children.
I just felt sad.
Empty.

I start Clomid again soon.
The anxiety is annoying me.

My future sister in law wanted to know if I wanted to be measured for my bridesmaid dress now or when we come in May to stay for the summer.
I said May.
And for a second I thought "maybe by then I'll be pregnant"
And then I thought realistically and felt silly for even dreaming like that.

Lately I've felt like its not going to happen anytime soon.
And that thought makes me want to puke.
But I can't even picture what our kids will look like or what it will be like to finally be blessed with children.
It just seems too much like a dream.
Too impossible.

Yes I'm being pessimistic.
But let's be honest here...
I've earned the right to feel this way after over three years.

I just really hope that another year won't come and go and leave me in the same limbo of a place that I am in right now.
The same place I've been in for 4 Christmas seasons.

Welcome Back Clomid

I had a doctor's appointment today.
It was a follow up/discuss next steps type of thing.
It was easier than I thought.
My MRI came back fine.
Which means the doctor doesn't see a need to put me on medicine for my prolactin levels.

Since she now feels that we have done all the tests necessary,
she prescribed Clomid.
In a few weeks I will start my 8th month of Clomid (I did 7 months between Nov 2007-May 2008)

I have mixed emotions.
Clomid made me an emotional wreck and made me gain 20 pounds.
I'm not looking forward to those side effects.
I'm not putting much hope in a happy ending with Clomid.
Been there, done that, felt the hurt.

I do feel like I'll get pregnant eventually on Clomid.
Afterall, I did before.
But do I think that Clomid will result in a baby?
Not really sure.

I really want to be excited and hopeful.
But I want to protect my emotions more.
So I'm pretty emotionless this time around.
It's a much different feeling than I had when I started Clomid the first time.
I guess I just know more than I did back then.
I think I'm more realistic now.

But I will pray harder than ever that this will work.
That it is finally time for my turn to be a mom.

MRI

I had the MRI today to check my pituitary glands.
It was not a wonderful experience.
I go into full blown panic mode when I have to be poked with needles.
My veins roll and blow as often as they cooperate.
When I had blood work two weeks ago at my new doctor it took 3 veins, and two massive bruises to get blood.
I still have green bruises on my right wrist thanks to this.
They didn't tell me I'd have to have an IV for the test today.
I was alone because my husband was at work.
Alone and panicked.
The guy was really nice and talked me through the rolling vein until he could get the needle in.
The MRI was really uncomfortable and I had to remind myself to breath at a few points in the 45 minute test.

Have I mentioned that I do NOT enjoy fertility testing?
UGH.

I am trying really hard to be emotionless through this whole process.
I'm doing better today than I was a few days ago.
I don't want to go through all of the pain, stress, anxiety that I went through the first time we tried fertility.
But I want to be a mother more than I want to avoid all of that.
So I don't have much of a choice.
I need to feel like I'm being proactive.
Like I'm doing something.

This is a fight I never expected nor would I ever have wanted to a part of.
But I'm learning that strength doesn't mean being perfect at the trials that we expect and accept.
It means not giving up through the trials that we never expected or wanted.
It's not about being perfect or handling things perfectly.
It's about not giving up.
It's so hard not to walk away from this and just give up.

But as my good friend Taylor Swift would sing...
"You can walk away and say you don't need this
But there's something in your eyes that says we can beat this"

Whether beating this things known as infertility means having a child or adopting one day, I am beating it by not letting it control me.

It is not easy.
I'm thankful for help from Heaven, family, friends, and a husband who won't let me give up.
Who remind me that I can beat this.